If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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