the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
