Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
