i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was born a porn star she said
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
