Who did Billy Mays play for?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize