How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize