Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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