You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The uberlube is also flammable
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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