A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
