i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
