I hate all girls vehemently.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
