matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
