Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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