we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
