I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This is classic penis vs brain.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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