I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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