mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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