I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
