First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
