I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize