cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
