I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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