My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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