I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize