Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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