I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
