we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize