I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
