Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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