dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
