Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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