I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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