how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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