My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
