I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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