Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
