You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
