I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
