y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
