I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
