im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Randomize
