After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
