Screwed.edu
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
