you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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