Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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