When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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