We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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