just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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