I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize