Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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