I'm lost and stupid without you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
