Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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