At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
