I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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