i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
