My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
