ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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