and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
