I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
