So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
