On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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