where am i from again
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
