uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
