My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
