I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
