There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
