guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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