We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
