3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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