I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
