i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize