Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The power of my boobs compel you
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
