I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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