You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
