No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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