I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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