You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
