Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
