have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Be still, my beating vagina.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
